The Struggle Within

It never fails to amaze me how God works; how kind he is in his workings. He sent a special friend to me this weekend to clarify so many things, some things I didn’t even know were inside me. But before I get into the struggle, here are some comments I’ve heard or read recently that have touched my heart/mind:

NorthPlace Assemblies of God pastor - “Ministry is using your resources to supply someone else’s need.” What a simple, cut to the chase, definition! He also said church people need to get from “serve us” to “service”. So if we’re searching for our ministry or calling, maybe we can first check out what resources we have and then find a need that needs them……… might be a good fit.

Steve Green on the Gaither’s Vocal Band Reunion vol. 1, “Our story is one of God’s kindness. There are no perfect lives; that’s why we need Jesus.” God’s kindness - wow, what a concept. Kindness is a rare commonitity in today’s world.

Sunday morning I was watching/listening to the Gaither’s Vocal Band Reunion Vol.1 dvd that had just come in. I waited til cbd.com had it on sale for $16 and ordered both volumes. I wish I could remember who made the comment but I don’t and I’m paraphasing here but the gist of it was “Bill Gaither taught me to apply the ’so what’ question on all my songs. If it doesn’t make a difference it’s not important.”

That recaps what my special friend was saying to me this weekend. In fact, that pretty much sums up the way she lives her life.

I told her how stupid it was, this struggle inside of me. I can’t seem to accept living here on 55 acres and do less than everything - especially the huge garden. Frankly, right then I was tired of the gardening battle. According to my weather calender it has rained 14 out of the last 16 prime time gardening days. And that’s not just ‘rain’, it’s flooding rains where the ground cannot take another ounce in. The pill bugs have eated 6 rows of green beans as they’ve sprouted. A few of the pea pods have mildewed on the vine. Laundry is damp when I bring it in. It all just seemed like toooooooooooo much. I had started to look at city homes (eek!!!). I told my friend I could live in town and not have a huge garden but I’m having trouble living out here on acreage and not having a huge garden. She hit the nail on the head - it would seem wasteful to me. I hate waste.

Then later as she commented that her husband is very project oriented right now and she wants to just recoup from years of fitting college around a full time + job, I realized that very struggle is the one inside of me. I’m “shoulding” all over myself with projects I feel obligated to do. I should have a garden. I should clean house. I should make/bake/fix everything from scratch - I mean scratch as in making the cheese, noodles and sauce to make lasagna and grow the spinach to put in it, not just not buying a prepared pan of lasagna from the store (I didn’t even know they made such things til someone told me). I didn’t realize I’d slid back into that shoulding again. She said something profound that made sense - “Sometimes just sitting down with someone, watching a sunset, is just as important as a project, even if ‘nothing’ is being done or produced.” If you grasped that thought, you don’t have to read “Never Miss a Sunset” but I remember that book from many readings over the years. I had just forgotten the lesson.

An example of God’s kindness in reminding/teaching me is that this friend brought me a book, not even knowing my struggle. She just wanted to share this book with me - Three Cups of Tea. Here’s what struck home with me in the second chapter, “Though Mortenson had already been there for months, he drank in the drama of these peaks like he’d never seen them before. “In a way, I never had,” he explains, “All summer, I’d looked at these mountains as GOALS, totally focused on the biggest one, K2. I’d thought about their elevation and the technical challenges they presented to me as a climber. But that morning,” he says, “for the first time, I simply saw them. It was overwhelming.” ” Take a minute to hear this Gaither song from the Reunion dvd - A New Point of View.

I can see Beulah Land Homestead again as a life and not a race for completing projects.

This entry was posted on May 18, 2009 at 10:05 am and is filed under Homestead living. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.